Directing

Tips for aspiring directors

· When in doubt edit the shit out of the footage or do that thing where it goes in slow motion, speeds up, then slows down again. GENIUS!

· Does your film have Megan Fox in it? If not, try to increase the Megan Fox content. Just drape her over a car or motorbike, she doesn’t have to talk – she’s more of a “visual experience”. Also: She’s self-cleaning (probably)

· Just repackage what’s already out there. If you make it REALLY LOUD and in 3D the dull-witted mules, or “audience”, will just be enchanted by the colour and movement

· The term “genius” these days means “big box office”. By that calculation Michael Bay makes Einstein look like a window-licker… what grand times we live in

· If no one laughs at your comedy it’s an art movie. If people snigger in your art movie it’s because you’re being “ironic” and “post modern” and they just don’t “get it” – the beer swilling barbarians, now pop your beret back on and suck down a latte you creative wunderkind!

· If you can’t create – remake. If you can’t get the rights to the original property pay “homage” all the way to the bank

· Make sure you’re a real prick to work with. Directors aren’t respected unless they’re feared. Shoot the “best boy” on day one. Guaranteed to keep the rest of the bastards in line. No one likes “best boys” anyway. The hell do they EVEN do?

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